New Years Honours List

Ladies and Gentlemen of the freshers of 2005, wear sunscreen...oh fuck... someone's already done that. I'd like to welcome you all to 2006. There were times when I thought we wouldn't make it, and at the moment I'm not quite sure we all have. Not in one piece anyway. Although, I can't comment on the first half of your years, the months of January to August were obviously boring and insignificant in comparison with the time spent at Queen Mary. So I'd like to congratulate you all in reaching this point and celebrate each and every individual achievement with our New Year Varey Honours List.Put your hands together and tap your feet for these fellows and their achievements:

Our first honour goes to someone who paid the greatest respect to the holy grail of student behaviour; doing everything drunk. Her behaviour was consistently influenced by the red beer coursing through her veins and her attention to duty meant days of sobriety were few and far between. The knowledge that we probably felt better than her got us through a dozen hangovers and her stories of lectures and paid work on the smallest amount of sleep and largest amount of alcohol without actually pickling yourself or inducing spontaneous human combustion have provided much hilarity. Oh, and she's so deep when drunk. Let's hope that her unfortunate habits of running towards cars and shouting at chavs/gangsters when drunk doesn't render her unable to collect a similar award this time next year.Put your hands together and vomit on the bar for...Jennifer Southern!

Honour number two goes to somebody who has single-handedly provided ebay with enough profits remain solvent into 2006, and allowed the Managing Director to go on a Caribbean Cruise. Unfortunately, an unforeseen side effect was turning Sarah into an obsessive post-box searcher, for presents delivered a few weeks late. Let’s hope she’s able to give up the habit later this year, or I’d suggest getting your birthday cheques sent elsewhere. This person showed us what to do if drunken pub-going and queue-standing conversations doesn’t produce the friends you’d like: Buy a robot. Sherlock the Robot reminded us all how funny it is to see an inanimate object holding a bottle of beer and a cigarette. And how disturbingly easy it is to get attached to things that are programmed to hug. Oh dear. Can humans marry robots? Anyway, back to gadget boy. We’d just like to honour his new clock, more interesting than Space Cadets, his pasta sauce abilities (and that’s a compliment coming from a person who lived in Italy) and I suppose we should honour his phone. It’s the source of all photos and videos we would collectively like to delete. His room is a TV haven. Well done this year… Adam!

Honour number three goes to the voice of reason in our otherwise inebriated brains. Who is always there to point out the flaws in our otherwise perfectly concocted plans. Like “should we all being going out when you are all hung-over, or should you all be hospitalised?” Yes you’ve guessed it this award is for Sarah, for pointing out the obvious, and for always being the first to LOUDLY insult the person who is wrong-doing, “you FUCKING idiots!” (Or in fact unnamed people who have done things wrong – ‘who the fuck left the window open/left the freezer open/hasn’t done their washing up/put a ma-hoo-ssive hole in the middle of the kitchen window?!’). She taught us that, apparently, ‘beasting’ doesn’t mean what you think and us how to scare visitors to our flats – ‘I don’t care if you’re best friends with Mr Blobby…’ should not be underestimated in required vocabulary to get rid of an unwelcome guest. It’s best delivered whilst standing on a chair whilst slightly inebriated, in loud voice and with finger waving and cheering for emphasis. Unfortunately, the point is rather lost if the sod doesn’t know who Mr Blobby is. I know I know…who the hell doesn’t know who Mr Blobby is? Apparently these people exist. I can’t decide whether her musical influence is a positive thing – cheese mistress that she is- what with the Baywatch song, Disney tunes and Take That, but she gains respect for belting them anytime, anywhere. So, if only for sheer force of vocal chords, Sarah has earned her honour. Well done.

To be continued…